How to fail at writing a novel

Or why books go bad

Generally, as long as people are reading, I don’t have opinions about what titles they choose. For example, I’m not interested in reading Colleen Hoover, but if you are and it makes you happy, please don’t stop.

That said, when I hate a book, I get riled up every single time the title is mentioned, even years later. Some sources of my ongoing rage include My Year of Rest and Relaxation, The Silent Patient and Leave the World Behind. All of which were much hyped and all of which were massively disappointing.

Why so angry, Adriana? Writing a novel is gruelling and getting it published is a Herculean task. I know how much blood, sweat and tears those authors shed, so when a novel fails to create that singular magic, it feels like a tragedy.

My favourite book aficionado and I tore apart several volumes this past Sunday morning. Diagnosing what went wrong with our usual combination of expert analysis, comparison with books we love and creative insertions of Internet lolz (“Achilles, ya basic!”). The reasons for our literary disappointments were many:

• Characters not being consistently portrayed from beginning to end (and no amount of plot can make up for that)

• A cold, detached tone that makes the book feel like a bland retelling of events

• Too. Many. Twists.

• Main characters that are impossible to care about (regardless of their likeability)

• Endings that don’t do justice to the complexity, issues and/or dynamics that the novelist promised to engage in

The morning after, Athens 🇬🇷 / September 2021 📸 ad

Because a promise is being made when you hook the reader with an exciting premise. Readers are constantly chasing a new high between the pages and so—yeah!—they will be unforgiving when novelists don’t deliver on the promise.

I think of it as going to a buffet. The characters and events are spread out in a mouth-watering array, the table sprinkled with flowers and candles. You fill up your plate and although it tastes wonderful at first, you begin to realize that the fruit is overripe, someone bought the cheap mortadella and the crackers have no snap.

You put down that “plate” (whether or not you finished it) still feeling hungry.

Although I don’t think of Moshfegh, Michaelides or Alam as being “bad” writers, decisions were made along the way that diluted the overall effect of their novels. Perhaps a publisher rushed a deadline. Or a novel was adapted quickly from a pitched idea for a film. Maybe the writer fell out of love with their project!

But my big theory is that most disappointing novels can be explained by fear.

The morning after, Dublin 🇮🇪 / May 2018 📸 ad

Characters not being consistently portrayed? Writer doubting their ability to adequately portray emotional depths, so they stay in safe zones.

Cold, detached tone? Impostor syndrome 👋🏼 You can’t fuck it up if you only do the bare minimum.

Too many twists? Fear that your story won’t be interesting to readers unless it has shocking elements. #ISeeDeadPeople

Endings that fall flat? Writer probably burnt out by the doubts that plagued them throughout the process and they ran out of steam.

How we do we prevent this from happening?

Take bigger risks on the page. Let yourself feel the discomfort as you write the scene that scares you. Don’t let that discomfort stop you, you never know where it could lead. And remember to double-down on self-care to soothe your triggers.

Defend your vision to readers and editors who want you to write a different type of story. Don’t say yes to everything just to get a writing credit or to get published before a certain age. Pitch with passion and execute with even greater passion.

Never rush the process.

As a writer, you make a promise to yourself to tell this story to the best of your ability, every day. If you keep that promise to yourself, then your story has a better chance of keeping your promise with readers as well.

Not everyone will like what you write—that is an impossible and silly standard to hold yourself up to. The kind of unrealistic standard that will keep your writing small. As I always say, if your story resonates with one person, then your work is done. Everyone beyond that is gravy. But if you challenge yourself to go beyond what you think you’re capable of, your story will be the buffet that everyone wants to pull up to.

But also, and lastly, tell me about the book you hate and why!