Writing sex
And some book recommendations too
The absolute-worst sex scene I ever read was in the manuscript of a friend:
“She guided him inside her. He ejaculated.”
🥺
Writing sex scenes is challenging, because it requires you to be comfortable with your own sexuality and at peace with the messy, absurd and fun physicality of sex. If sex or even talking about sex makes you deeply uncomfortable, then you get [gestures to line above].
But if you’re up for the challenge, here are some thoughts to consider.
In most of what I read, there are two problems I see over and over again: (1) too many sex scenes and (2) the sex scenes are over-written or under-written.
How many scenes
The answer to this lies in your intention. Are you writing erotica or a romance? Then make it a lot, make it hot and then make it hotter. Is the sex another part of depicting everyday life, or does it reinforce a central theme? Then it needs to be strategically placed, carefully choreographed and deliberately escalated. Are you adding a sex scene because “spicy books” sell and you want to make your novel more marketable? Then you should probably rethink that move.
You have to correctly dose the number of sex scenes, in the same way you balance out reflection versus action scenes or character-revealing versus plot-pushing scenes. If in doubt, ask your beta readers for their opinion. Too much or too little sex can ruin the overall experience of reading your novel and potentially turn off readers. Literally and figuratively.
How much detail
When writers get jittery about their ability to write a sex scene, they may resort to clichés, projection or transcribing a remembered scene from a book/movie/porn video. I call this over-writing. It reads like they’re trying too hard, the tone and vocabulary have shifted. and you begin to wonder if it’s the same author. Some writers go to the other extreme, in that they do the bare minimum, avoid specificities and rush on to the next thing.
In order to write a good sex scene that is hot and that underlines the relationship, you have to put yourself in the bodies of your characters. How would this woman, with the characteristics and background that you’ve given her, behave in this moment? Is she a talker? How explicit? What about your mild-mannered hero? If he turns rough and vulgar in the moment, is that reflected elsewhere in the novel? You have to make it make sense.
The moment has to be consistent with the characters and the world you’ve created. Write from a place of that person having sex, not from your own experience/desires.
Use words that scare you
If you want to truly challenge yourself, move from vague ideas (heaving chest, arched back, manhood) into move explicit language. What are on those heaving chests? What’s the purpose of arching a back? What other words can you use other than “manhood”?
And if you don’t know where to start, take some advice from Dan Savage: get your character to say what they’re gonna do (“I’m going to suck it”), say what they’re doing (“I’m sucking it”) and then say what they just did (“I sucked it”).
Some basic mistakes to avoid
No double, simultaneous orgasms, especially if it’s the first time they’re having sex, especially if a woman is involved.
Avoid sex standing up. It’s an advanced move and doesn’t happen as often as some think it does. This argument can also be made for shower sex. And squirting.
Don’t make it porn (unless you’re writing porn or about a porn star). Sex scenes don’t have to be acrobatic or rough to be hot/meaningful, but they do have to align with the characters engaging in the fun.
What makes a sex scene cringe for you? Did watching porn videos help or hinder your research? Or do you have an example of a great sex scene? Share! I’d love to hear from you.
And the book recommendations
First time reading Rachel Cusk—and it was like discovering a kindred spirit. The same reaction I had the first time I read Leila Slimani, Eleanor Catton and Barbara Kingsolder. Writers whose style and ambitions are admirable, inspirational, motivating. The kind of company I hope to one day keep.
This first novel by James Frankie Thomas has a simple, but compelling plot. The literary devices applied are aptly matched to the era and generation it follows, and the balance of personal narratives with political context is delicate and relevant. This should be taught as a perfect example of tone of voice. And a perfectly landed ending!